Chuck Lorre Productions #280

Chuck Lorre produces the TV shows Two and a Half Men (which I don't watch) and The Big Bang Theory (which I do). Ever since he produced the TV show Dharma & Greg, he has shown, in place of an end card (think "Sit Ubu Sit" or "Bad Robot"), a card with a dense paragraph - but for only a couple of seconds. In the early days, the only way to read the entire card was to tape the show (with a VCR) and then pause the frame at the exact correct moment. These days, pausing a DVR shows the card - and in much better clarity. (These days, the entire collection is also listed on his web site.)

Here is his recent # 280 card, which I thought was quite funny (and I could relate to) -

You know you're getting old when... You throw your back out on the toilet. You shave your ears. Your second wife calls your first wife “ma’am.” You're genuinely excited when your prescriptions arrive in the mail. You read the obits in the newspaper to check the ages of the dead people. You read a newspaper. You're bummed out that the smokin’ hot chick from Body Heat now looks like William Shatner in drag. You say “bummed out.” Women your age have real breasts and artificial hips. Masturbation leaves you winded. You try to amuse the kid hooking up your Blu-ray player by telling him about Betamax. You pee in morse code -- dots and dashes -- and have to look down to see when you’re done. Your car radio is set to “classic rock” so you have something to switch to during NPR pledge drives. Your doctor says things like, “that’s normal for a man your age” and “consider yourself lucky.” Beneath your chin is what appears to be a neck skin hammock. Beneath your penis is what appears to be two ping pong balls hanging from a flesh-colored bolo tie. You choose your new car because it offers great lumbar support and convenient cup holders. Watching “The Who” perform at the Superbowl made you inconsolably sad. You wonder if the orgasm you're about to have will actually end your life. Your doctor tells you a new medication will reduce the amount of semen in your body and your only response is, “so what.” Your car radio is set to “classic rock” so you have something to... oh, wait, I already did that one.

Chuck Lorre has a complete list of cards on his web site. To read his very first one, go here.

Note the ones that have (c) next to the number. Those are the ones that were censored and were never broadcast. Here, for example, is the broadcast version of #255 and here is the uncensored version.